to the musical op. 1 no. 2

another night, another song, another string to strum.

a different note, a different theme, a different tune to hum.

a different hand, a different mind, a different heart to know.

a different face, a different voice, a different depth of low.

in sweeping lows, the tuba blows a wake up call for kings,

while high and sweet, the vi'lin weeps and gives the peasant wings.

the harpist plays, her heart displayed for everyone to see

how much her heart is in her harp's soft, haunting melody.

the bass resounds and shakes the ground until the people see

the tempting dance and sweet romance it makes and then sets free.

together, then, the bassist and guitarist play the tune

that rises high to reach the sky and makes love with the moon.

in darkest night and faintest light, with melodies unheard,

the bass, the tuba both create a base to paint with words.

guitar and harp both play the part of hiding word and voice.

the violin then starts to sing and covers every noise.

with diff'rent minds and diff'rent eyes, so many things you see.

but with an open ear you hear the hidden sound and plea

of one who wails and one who cries but hides the truth in song

for music covers everything the heart perceives as wrong.

i never did like physics

only on two occasions have i liked physics. that was when i was taking up physics3 and physics 13, and i really didn't really care for physics. i just had a crush on my teacher. haha.

anyway, present situations have given me reason for a new-found liking for physics. it has given me the best definition for PLASTICITY.

according to physics, plasticity describes the deformation of a material undergoing irreversible changes in shape in response to applied forces.

they've given me enough force to need to undergo a change in conformation. maybe not in shape, but definitely a change. an irreversible change.

shall

alalala. shalala in the morning.

this is how i say EXACTLY

out of the abundance of the heart, the computer speaks. hehehe :D

You know my heart, Father, You know how I feel.
You know all my secrets, my hopes and appeals.
You know how I break, Lord, You know how I die
So slowly and painfully each time I cry.

You know all my sorrow, You know all my pain.
You know how I want to get kissed in the rain.
You know how my heart aches of longing and loss.
You knew me even when You’d hung on a cross.

You hold me tenderly, cradle my heart,
Gather my tears and shatter the dark.
Dear Lord, You forsake not this broken soul
That comes to you waiting to just be made whole.

You know exactly what it is I need,
Not merely the wants that show too much of greed.
You know what to give me exactly, and when
To give it to this patiently waiting maiden.

You know me exactly, without any fail.
You know when to enter the world of travail
I never cease to create in my mind.
You break my delusions and make all things fine.

You make me complete and as whole as can be.
You give me all truth and make me feel free.
You love me without ever judging my past.
You’ll always be my first love and You’ll be my last.

second year

pangatlong beses ko nang nagiging second year sa buong buhay ko.

SECOND YEAR HIGH SCHOOL.

mga memories ng pagiging first-time officer ng SG sa rural.

unang matinong sayaw sa acquaintance party (tanda ko pa kung sino).

unang bagsak na grade sa report card EVER.

unang test of beschamship namin ni bescham :D

unang encounter sa subject na biology, at sa malawak na sakop nito.

unang trip sa ibang bansa.

Nung second year ng high school, pakiramdam ko matanda na ako at karapat-dapat nang magboypren, kasi yung mga classmate kong iba may boypren na, saka may mga kakilala kasi akong may boypren na din. Akala ko nun matanda na ang 13 years old, kasi nabasa ko sa Sweet Valley Kids na sa states ay pwede nang sumali sa mga radio contest ang mga 13 years old. Feeling ko mature na mature na ako dahil may -teen na yung edad ko.

Pero at the end of second year, anung nakuha ko?

Disappointments, dahil sa mababang grades. Kalungkutan at self-doubt, dahil parang wala namang nagkakacrush sakin. Walang boypren, walang napanalunang radio contest, pero na-strengthen at nabuo talaga ang ambisyong maging doktor :)

SECOND YEAR COLLEGE.

Second year sa BS Biology program ng UPLB.

Hayayayay.

unang mabigat na pagkakamali.

unang grade na lagpas 2.0.

unang sem na hindi kasali sa mga CS ng CAS.

Maraming heartbreak sa buhay ng second year college. Heartbreak dahil sa mga matters of the heart. Heartbreak kasi 2.0 lang sa zoo3 tapos 2.25 sa chem40. Heartbreak kasi napapalayo ang pangarap maging magna cum laude. Heartbreak kasi wala paring boypren. Heartbreak kasi hindi na kasiya yung paboritong damit.

Pero dito ko naappreciate ang pagkanta bilang avenue ng pagwoworship. Dito naging hindi lang kanta ang mga kanta.

Dito ko din na-realize na ang bata pala ng 13 years old para magkaboypren. pero feeling ko ay masyado na akong matanda para maging single. hello, 17 na kaya ako!? in one year, of legal age na! anubayan!

SECOND YEAR MED SCHOOL.

Unang pagkakataon sa buhay na Sundays lang ang weekend.

Unang pagkakataon sa buhay na once a week lang makakapag-civilian.

Unang pagkakataon sa buhay na todo commute lang pauwi mula manila.

Unang taon na maramdaman na kulan ang pitong araw sa isang linggo.

Nagsisimula palang ako ng second year ng med school. Sabi ng mga nauna na sa akin, itong second year daw ang pinakamadugong year, sunod sa clerkship (siyempre). Pagod, puyat, lungkot, sakit, confusion, etc. Mahirap maging second year.

Wala paring boypren (o diba? pattern ito lagi pag second year), pero hindi na (ata) kasing caught up sa pagiging single kesa dati.

21 na ako ngayon. Sigurado parin akong masyadong bata magkaboypren ang 13 years old. Narealize ko din na bata parin ang 17 years old para magkaboypren. Pero hindi ko sigurado kung ganun din ang kaso sa 21 years old.

Pero, matanda man o bata ang 21 years old, may pressure na din, ewan kung negative o positive. Sabi ng nga nauna nanaman sakin, mahirap daw maghanap ng boypren ang babaeng nagdodoktor. Kasi daw nagiging intimidating para sa mga lalake. Anung intimidating naman sa pagiging babaeng doktor?

Anyway.

Second year. Pangatlong second year ko na. Every four years.

Siguro sa susunod na pagiging second year may kasabay nanaman na paghihirap. pero sana sa susunod na second year (siguro mga 26 ako nun) e may boypren na ako. charot ^_^

exam week

iba't ibang kwento ang dala ng exam week, pero hindi tungkol sa exam ang kwento ko.

may mga kakilala ba kayong ganito? kakilala, hindi kaibigan, kasi hindi naman na kami magkaibigan yata. magkakilala nalang. babatiin mo, ngingiti, hindi magpapasalamat. magtatanong ka, titingin, hindi sasagot. tatawagin mo, titingin, hindi sasagot. may kakilala ba kayong ganun?

hindi ko alam kung may atraso ako sa kaniya. siya, kung may atraso man siya sakin e matagal ko nang nakalimutan. may gusto ba ako sa kaniya? wala naman. may gusto ba siya sa akin? wala naman din ata.

bakit ganun? mahirap bang magsabi ng "tenkyu"? mahirap bang magsabi ng "uy"? limang minuto ba ang sasayangin ng paghehello?

nakakainis lang.

para sayo, hindi ko alam kung mababasa mo ito, pero gusto kong iparating to sayo.

may dalawang bagay akong naiisip na ibig sabihin ng ginagawa mo. pwedeng nahihiya ka sakin, pwedeng natatakot ka sa akin. wala na sa usapan kung galit ka sa akin, kasi wala naman akong ginagawa sayo. hindi ko alam kung anung iniisip mo, pero gusto ko lang sabihin sayong matagal ko nang kinalimutan ang pag-iisip sayo sa mga paraang malandi. matagal ko nang kinalimutan kung may potensyal ka man o wala bilang isang bonggang addition sa buhay ko. pero yung simpleng bagay lang naman na pagbati bakit hindi mo magawa?

bakit, hindi mo ba ako kilala? kung may problema ka sakin, sabihin mo sakin. kasi sa pagkakaalam ko wala ka namang dahilan para magkaproblema sakin.

kilala niyo ba siya? kaibigan niyo ba siya? kapatid o kaklase? anak o kapitbahay?

hindi ko alam. pero pakisabi sa kaniya...

masyado na siyang matanda para umasal ng parang bata.

No other fount I know. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

beki!

i fell in love at the sight of you.

the eyes that pierced at every view,

the nose which told of serious minds,

the lips that spoke of love defined,

the hands that spoke of labors long,

the smile that told me you were strong.

at sight, i fell in love with you.

how i wished you'd fall for me too.

i fell asleep at the thought of you

holding me close and listening to

my silent breaths and silent dreams

and knowing what every one means;

the thought that when, at morning's light,

i'd wake up as i fell that night.

the thought of you, it made me sleep.

i knew that i had fallen deep.

i fell apart at the sound of you

singing with the words you knew

of this girl you dreamed of every night,

this girl whose smile made things seem bright,

of how you wished she knew your mind

of you falling for her all the time.

your song just made me fall apart.

she wasn't me. it broke my heart.

eto lang talaga

taon taon kong inaabangan ang american idol. sumubaybay ako una nung season nila jasmine trias. nadisappoint ako nung nanalo si fantasia at natalo si diana degarmo. tapos napanood ko yung finals nung season5. nagandahan ako kay katharine mcphee at hindi ko masyado type si taylor hicks.

season 6 na yung una kong nasubaybayan talaga. season yun nila jordin sparks. gusto ko nun manalo dapat si gina glocksen kaso natanggal siya agad. tapos ginusto ko din manalo si melinda doolittle kasi ang awesome niya talaga. pero ang nanalo ay si jordin sparks. magaling din pala siya, hindi ko lang siya pinapansin nung una kasi parang wala lang. pero, sa lahat ng contestants na yun, pinakasalaw talaga si SANJAYA MALAKAR. pangalan palang eh. SANJAYA MALAKAR. parang nangiinis na agad.

season 7. ahhhhh season 7. ang una kong gusto diyan manalo ay si carly smithson. panalo kasi yung pagkakakanta niya ng "alone". at ang ganda ng boses niya. saka si michael johns. dahil ang gwapo niya. tapos natanggal sila parehas. at narealize kong gwapo pala sina jason castro at david cook. at na maganda pala boses ni brooke white. so sila yung mga naging bet ko. in fairness, nanalo naman si david cook. si jason castro ay nag-fourth. not bad. pero nagkaron ako ng post-american-idol jason castro phase, kung saan pinapanood ko ang bawat isang video sa channel niya sa youtube. ang cute cute niya. at narealize kong grabe pala talaga ang cuteness niya.

season 8. hehehe, una kong bet sa season 8 ay sina danny gokey, alexis grace at megan joy corkrey. ang resident cute boy naman ay si kris allen. pero gusto ko talaga nun manalo si danny. kasi Christian siya (hindi ko pa alam nun na si kris allen ay Christian din) at ang bangis ng kagasgasan ng boses. at sobrang na-inlove ako sa boses niya nung kinanta niya yung "kiss from a rose". hay, puso. ayun, naiyak din ako nung natanggal na siya. as in luha at sipon at hikbi talaga. parang timang lang, affected na affected ako no? hahaha.

ngayon naman ay season 9 na. una kong bet sa season 9 ay si crystal at si lee. ang galing no, sila pa naglaban sa finals. ang resident cute boys naman ay sina tim, lee, at si casey. ang cute kasi talaga ni tim. he is the stuff teenage fantasies are made of. the big blue eyes, the very very sweet-looking smile, the nice hair, and - not to forget - his URGH arms (yung bonggang biceps niya). si lee naman had this mysterious sad-looking eyes and the very very AWESOME voice. and then, there's casey.

casey james. i never got to watch his audition, nor his hollywood performances, dahil walang oras manood nun, pasukan kasi. pero i knew he was very VERY handsome dahil nakita ko yung pictures niya sa website. and then summer vacation became a reality, and so did cable tv. HAHAHA! HELLO, AMERICAN IDOL! at lagi na ako nakakapanood.

una kong napansin si casey james nung kumanta siya ng "i don't want to be," originally by gavin de graw. that was fantastic. he had this growl voice and this cool guitar thing and then he smiled. and the world made sense. haha!

nagtagal ang american idol and i watched every episode. i liked casey even more. casey james!!! it was so sweet-sounding and heart-wrenching when he sang "jealous guy". feel na feel kong sakin siya nagsosorry. hahaha. lalong lalo na nung kinanta niya yung "don't" ni shania twain? AH, PAMBIHIRA, akala ko magugunaw na yung mundo ko. grabe talaga, ibang klase yun! tuwing nabobottom three or two siya sumasakit ang puso ko. well, except nung last 3 na sila. ang salaw naman kasi talaga ng performance niya dun. pero... AHHHH!!!

i found it particularly cute when they showed the goodbye video of him. at the end of the video, there was this cut of a scene where casey, on his hometown visit (COOL, TEXAS!), found himself looking at a little boy outside the window of his limo. the little boy had these sad eyes and the cute little boy voice, saying "casey james, will you hold my hand?" and he did! ang cute cute!!!!

grabe talaga ang lebel ng pag-iilusyon ko kay casey james. casey, casey, casey, i wish i could meet you and sing songs with you.

you're so cool :D 

casey james. you're so awesome ♥

You call it selective hearing. I call it stubbornness.

remind me of this with every decision: generations will reap what i sow.

eleksyon 2010. wala naman.

kung nakipagpustahan siguro ako, natalo na ako.

parang walang nanalo sa mga binoto kong hindi senador o konsehal.

Gibo at BF. talo kina Noynoy at Binay.

Joey Lina at Ellen Reyes. talo kina ER Ejercito at Cesar Perez.

Copie Alipon at Jericho Ciceron. talo kina Ton Genuino at Baby Sumanguil.

kahit isa sa mga pinili ko wala man lamang nanalo. kung mundo lang ang masusunod, ang tagal ko na sigurong nag-post ng maraming mga sari-saring hater status updates sa facebook. nakakainis man para sakin na hindi nakita ng karamihan sa mga kababayan ko ang mga nakita ko sa mga pinili kong iboto, wala naman na akong magagawa. nakaboto na ako. nakapagsalita na din ako kung bakit ko binoto ang mga binoto ko (hindi nga lang sa internet). walang magandang maidudulot na kung magmamaasim ako at magsusulat ng sunod sunod na reklamo. hindi ako magrereklamo dahil hindi na mundo ang nagdidikta sakin. iisa naman nalang ang nagdidikta sakin.

si Papa God ko na ang nagdidikta sakin.

oo, magkakaron talaga ng katiwalian. magkakaron talaga ng korupsyon. magkakaron ng mga pagkakamali. papano mawawala yun? pag nagbago ng intensyon.

pagbabago ng sarili. pagbabago ng pagiisip. pagbabago ng prinsipyo: magsilbi sa kapwa, hindi sa sarili. yun naman dapat diba?

wala na akong magagawa kundi ipagdasal ang mga tagapanguna natin. ang gobyerno, ang mga mamamayan, dapat nagtutulungan tayo.

let's pray and participate. nakikijoin nga tayo sa mga rally na ang kinahihinatnan e nabubugahan lang tayo ng tubig mula sa fire hose, hindi naman nakinig yung mga gusto nating makinig. nakaupo nga tayo ng komportable sa mga bahay natin at nagsasabi ng mga maling nakikita natin pero wala man lang tayong ginagawa.

let's pray and participate. this will tremendously help our country. let us pray for our leaders. let us not just criticize, but participate. kailangan yun.

i'm sure Papa God want us to all learn something. right now, i'm thinking He wants us to be more prayerful :)

hats off to brooke fraser-ligertwood

if someone were to ask me who my favorite singer/songwriter of the decade is, i would answer in a heartbeat, "brooke fraser".

she is known by many people as the voice behind hillsong united's "hosanna". to me and some of my friends, she is the beautiful woman who writes amazing lyrics and has an awesome voice. to my secret self, she is a blessed woman with lots of love to give to her fellow Creations.

she is the author of my anthem for love, "love is waiting," my anthem as i have yet to write my own version of it.

she is beautiful, smart, and she admits to having imperfections. astig.

God continue to bless you, brooke. you are loved :)

this sucks...

bears are so cute. even though they are one of the most dangerous creatures on earth, they really look so harmless that you would want to give them a hug. thank God, then, for letting humans create teddybears.

from a lesioned prefrontal

I remember very vividly opening the envelope containing the results of the NMAT that I took. I remember very vividly the heart beats fit for a non-athlete just finishing a 5-km run. I remember the cold clammy hands of a sickly person. I remember the giddy feeling of a high school girl who just got asked out to prom. I remember everything I felt at that moment. And I remember feeling a mixture of an evolving scream and confusion forming deep within the sulci and fissures of my cerebral cortex.

Getting a 99+ was not like winning the lottery to me. Neither was it like receiving a new laptop or cell phone. It was more like getting asked out for the very first time.

The first time started like a dream. It started with a series of text messages that followed a friendship that was unconventional but real. He was the cool guy, I was the funny girl. He was the musician, I was the singer. He was the poet, I was the artiste. It seemed perfect. It could happen. It had promise.

Messages began to come and go. Worlds collided, merged, and melted. Universes joined at several different points. Minds started whispering, ears started listening, hearts just thought of functioning. Then the message.

"Gusto mong lumabas tayo bukas? Meet tayo."

An unrestrained, inexperienced, giddy teenaged hypothalamus started releasing hormones causing an untrained firing of neurons in the limbic system and the cortex. Giggles started forming, but then were quickly stifled. Levator anguli oris contracts, along with a partial contraction of orbicularis oculi. A smile slowly starts playing on the angles of my mouth and eyes, but is fought with all summonable willpower.

But then, a force more susbtantial than willpower arrests the smile and the giggles.

Confusion creeps in and suggests an array of motives, excuses, and outcomes which quickly overtake and overcome the neuronal firing earlier described.

So how did this end up? Well, after a day of confusion, an excuse was formulated conveniently and no date occurred. No date occurred, nor will one ever will, with the almost-perfect guy.

So the first time I got asked out, things started happily, then slowly progressed to become weird, jumping straight to confused, and ending up with an outcome totally different from what was initially thought of.

The 99+ moment was no different. What started as a happy giddy moment slowly mutated into a confused unstable state that turned out being insufficient to get me what I had dreamed of.

But got me into something, I guess, better than what I had hoped for.

no more buts

she wanted to be the one for him.
he loved her too much to even consider her.

she swore to herself she would never hurt him.
he didn't mean to hurt her.

she never expected him to love her back.
he never expected she would fall for him.

she needed to get away from him.
he needed her beside him.

she sang her heart out to ease the pain of staying.
he couldn't sing to ease anything.

she cried herself to sleep each night.
he laid awake, tossing and turning, the confusion eating him from the inside out.

she prayed to feel nothing.
he prayed to feel something.

she smiled, got dressed, and went on living.
he smiled, stopped thinking, and started understanding.

she made them believe she'd moved on.
he cried in his heart when he thought she was gone.

21 years of awesome

i turned 21.

God has been so great. He's been faithful, loving and steadfast. Hindi talaga nakakadala mahalin si Papa God :)

salamat sa mga taong nakasama ko sa araw na to, at makakasama ko pa bukas. i am grateful for your lives.

thank You, Lord :)

reklamo

merong karaniwang reklamo ang mga estudyanteng nag-eexam. yan ay kung bakit mas madali gumawa ng ibang bagay kesa mag-aral.

example 1. magmemorize ng kanta.

totoo nga no? yung mga paborito mong kanta kayang kaya mong kantahin by heart. sa videoke kapag paborito mo yung kakantahin mo kahit hindi ka na tumingin dun sa screen makakakuha ka parin ng 100 (or 99 para sa mga machine na hindi nagbibigay ng 100). minsan kahit yung mga nakakapesteng kanta na ayaw mo naman namememorize mo na din kasi paulit-ulit (mga tambay lang kameng sawa sa babae...). diba?

example 2. internet.

huwag niyo nang ipagkaila. ang magsabing hindi dito ay mahahagisan ng buhay na granada. aminin naman natin sa mga sarili natin na mas madali talagang maghanap ng chismis sa facebook kesa maghanap ng chismis sa mga textbook mo. mas exciting kasing mang-usisa ng buhay ng mga taong kakilala mo o kakilala ng kakilala mo kesa usisain ang mga chismis na sinasabi ng libro mo. siyempre, applicable sa course mo yung chismis ng libro mo, pero hindi talaga siya kasing exciting nung kapag buhay na tao ang uuriratin diba? parang ewan ka siguro kung ang ichichismis mo sa mga kaibigan mong hindi mo naman ka-course ay mga bagay na hindi nila maintindihan sa abundance ng jargon na gagamitin mo.

example 3. pagkain.

ayan na. ayan na ang pangunahing dahilan. ewan ko ba. e masarap kasi pagkain eh.

example 4. maglagalag a.k.a. lumabas-labas.

diba? mas masarap tumingin sa live action surroundings kesa sa letra at drawing sa libro. kung mejo adventurous ka, sige, pagalawin mo libro mo.

at, ang paborito ko.

example 5. tulog.

WALANG KAKUPAS KUPAS.

ang galing ng google chrome

nadiskubre ko ang browser na google chrome dahil sa mga kapatid ko. nung una, internet explorer ang gamit ko, pero dahil nakakainis ang explorer, nagpalit ako ng browser. apple safari naman. kaso nainggit ako sa mga ate ko dahil ang gaganda nung mga landi ng browser nila, kaya napagdesisyunan kong google chrome ang gamitin.

*commercial: nagpapalit ako ng theme*

anyway, nakakatuwa ang google chrome. ang linis, ang bilis, at ang simple gamitin. paborito kong features yung pwedeng ma-view yung most recently closed windows pati yung parang sa safari na ninonote niya ang most visited sites mo.

hindi ko alam kung papano napili ang google chrome ng screenshot ng most visited sites. kunyari, sa americanidol.com pwede niyang piliing gawing thumbnail yung homepage o kaya yung site ng pictures ng contestants. sa yahoogroups pwedeng yung main page ng group niyo o di kaya yung "join or create new group" page.

pero ang pinakanakakamangha ay ang facebook. wala naman akong nababanggit sa google chrome. nakakatawa lang. ang thumbnail ay naging homepage, profile page ko, at pictures sa album ko. pero ngayon lang ever nangyari sa tanang buhay kong nagamit ng google chrome na ang page na ginawang thumbnail ay ang profile ng crush ko.

hindi ko naman siya madalas puntahan. pero dun siya nagpunta.

WIN! WIN KA GOOGLE CHROME!!!

agham at m2m

isa sa pinaka-memorable na teachers sa akin ang science teacher namin from grade 5 to grade 6. siya ay si sir gideon cavida.

si sir cavida ay isang malaking lalake. mabilog, matangkad, malaki ang mata, may malaking nunal sa muka, loud and booming ang boses. imposing personality siya. nakakatakot para sa mga batang estudyante. idagdag pa natin na galit talaga siya sa maingay. nampaparusa talaga siya to the highest level.

magaling magturo si sir cavida. sobrang nahumaling ako sa science nung grade 5 at grade 6. malay ko ba sa mga volcano at mountain. malay ko ba sa human body. malay ko ba sa mga atoms. malay ko ba sa nature. in other words, malay ko ba sa science?! pero, dahil kay sir cavida, nagkaron talaga ako ng maraming malay sa science. kaya nga ako nagdodoktor ngayon eh :)

anyway. naaalala ko nung grade 5 kami. first year of teaching yun ni sir. nagalit siya samin nung at ang ginawa niya pinatayo niya ang buong klase with arms raised straight up in the air at nakatingala kami. imagine, parang superman pose pero nakatayo. ganun. tapos isa-isa niya kaming pinaupo, depende sa lebel ng ingay na ginawa namin. mejo nangangalahati na yung klase nung tinawag ako.

kay sir cavida ko unang natutunan ang basics ng human body. naaalala ko, bago niya kami pagreportin tungkol sa mga body systems, natanong ko siya ng "sir bakit po ang pagkain matagal bago mai-tae?" ako din pala ang sasagot sa tanong ko. dahil sabi niya "wait for the topic about the digestive system." at kami pala ang magrereport. dun ko natuklasan ng mahaba pala ang small intestines ng tao at na naiimbak pa pala sa large intestines ang digested food material dahil dinedehydrate sila dun partially.

kay sir cavida ako unang nagkaron ng interes sa chemistry. meron siyang game noon sa amin. yung paunahan makahanap ng element sa periodic table. na-aliw ako sa mga elements at sa mga pangalan nila. hanggang nung high school (at hanggang ngayon) favorite ko parin ang chem.

dahil din kay sir cavida kaya ko naranasan ang huling paglulumandi ko nung elementary school at ang unang experience kong malungkot dahil sa crush. oo, friends. elementary palang ako naglulumandi na ako. grade 1 palang ako may ka-m.u. na ako. kabog. pero nung grade 6 e humaba talaga to the highest level ang hair ko.

ang pangalan niya ay kai barner (friends kami sa facebook). transferee siya nung grade 5. hindi kami nun magka-section. si Ephesians siya nun, adviser niya si mrs. policar. ako Philippians, adviser ko si mrs. amoranto. pero naging magkaklase kami nung grade 6 kay mrs. correa. aaminin ko namang cute si kai noon. ngayon hindi na siya kasing cute nung dati eh. hindi ko siya masyadong crush noon. pero naging crush ko din siya nung nagtagal. hehe.

buong batch namin nun hindi alam kung sino ang crush ni kai. hula namin yung isa siguro sa magagandang batchmates namin (ex. roselle arcillas, nica yan, sarah garcia) dahil, siyempre, sila yun. hindi naman ako kasi kasali dun sa barkadahan ng magagandang babae at pakiramdam ko dati kasi isa akong chakabelita.

naging groupmates kami ni kai nung first at second quarter sa science. dun kami nakaupo sa table na pinakamalayo sa blackboard sa science lab. magkaharap kami nun. isang beses, hindi ko alam kung pano nag-umpisa, nag-passing notes kami sa klase kung saan puro panlalait ang ginagawa namin sa isa't isa. andun ang mga bagay tulad ng

• "you were spit out by a volcano" (sakin)
• "your mother was a test tube" (kay kai)
• "nerd" (sakin)
• "geek" (kay kai)

o diba? hanep kami sa paglalaitan. isang beses, naisulat ko pa nga "gerk" dahil hindi ko alam ang spelling ng jerk noon. tinawanan niya ako ng malakas.

anyway, anung significance ni sir cavida sa kwentong ito?

ganito yan. last few weeks ata yun ng second quarter namin, at wala na masiyado gagawin sa science class. napagtripan ni sir cavida na maglaro kami sa klase. ang game namin, yung pasahan ng bola habang nakanta. kung kanino tumapat ang bola pag-end ng kanta, merong sasagutin yung taong yon na tanong. so ok, go! laro!

ngayon, nasaktuhan dun sa last round na si kai ang mabagsakan ng bola. yun naman! dahil shy type ako, hindi ako ang nagtanong siyempre. pero hindi naman maiiwasang may magtanong sa kaniya.

dalawa kaming nililink sa kaniya noon. ako yung isa. yung isa si pamela jopia, classmate din namin. hindi ko alam kung sinong mas matindi ang pagkacrush kay kai noon. siguro si pam, kasi grade 5 palang may crush na ata siya nun kay kai. o baka naman ako. ewan. anyway. ayun. si pam.

hindi ko na din matandaan kung sino yung nagtanong, pero ang tanong niya ay ito: "who do you think is prettier? bebeng or pam?"

at siyempre, ang nahihiyang batang lalake ay ayaw sumagot nung umpisa. pero, dahil wala na siyang magagawa ay sumagot siya. hindi ko narinig ang sagot niya dahil biglang naghiyawan ang classmates, pero, apparently, ang sagot niya ay... (get ready) ... BEBENG.

yun naman.

so, with this knowledge, excited akong pumasok ng second sem namin. hindi naman mahaba ang sembreak namin nun eh. parang long weekend lang. so ayun.

nagpalit na ng seating arrangement sa klase. napakaconvenient na dapat ay nasa may bandang unahan ko lang si kai, katabi siya dapat ni valerie cariaga. kaso nung first day of classes wala siya.

dumating ang second at third at fourth day. wala parin siya.

yun pala, bumalik na siya sa states. lungkot.

naalala ko lang. nakita ko si kai ulit sa facebook. hindi ko alam kung tanda pa niya ako. pero ayun, siya ang dahilan kung bakit ako napakanta dati ng "the day you went away" by m2m.

what am i blabbering about?

I. Sometimes.

Sabi ni britney spears sa isang kanta niya "sometimes i run, sometimes i hide..." keme keme. yeah. i do that sometimes, too. we all do. particualrly when we were little and our favorite games to play were taguan and mataya-taya. however, we're (supposedly) past that stage and now we have new sometimes-es (pinilit ko lang itong gawing plural).

Sometimes i feel like i'm in the wrong place. i know i want to be an honest-to-goodness doctor of medicine. but sometimes it feels like i shouldn't have gone immediately. sometimes it feels like i should have worked before i studied. sometimes i want to quit. sometimes i want to hit myself in the head with my books. sometimes i want to crawl into bed and cry and just not wake up until things change. sometimes...

Sometimes, life throws you curve balls, unexpected, scary, and really fast-moving curve balls. sometimes the curves make you woozy, sometimes they psyche you up. sometimes you hit the balls with your mighty aluminum bat, sometimes the balls hit you in the head and leave you injured. and sometimes, the balls just hit your stationary bat and fall to the ground and the catcher doesn't even move. and you just stare stupidly, then run awkwardly, and stop at first base. then the game goes on.

II. Flashbacks

You know how sometimes you sit still and silent then a song plays in your head? I get that a lot, but lately it's not just one song. IT'S AN ENTIRE PLAYLIST. And, if you're weird like me, you sing along to every single song that plays in your head. It annoys the heck out of some people, while others find it amusing. I get amused at first and love it, then i start getting annoyed after a few repeats.

Recently songs from the 90's have been playing in my head. old songs from mariah carey, whitney houston, code red, britney spears, christina aguilera, ricky martin, 5ive and other such artists have been in the 90's revival playlist in my head. don't get me wrong, i love music from this era. i was a die-hard boyband fan girl in my elementary school days. it's just weird that these songs are hitting me over and over and over again, like i'm being thrown in front of a tennis ball-launcher or something. it's weird.

III. If I were

Yeah, I'm in med school. i know i want to become a damn (am i allowed to say that?) good doctor and i know i will be one. But sometimes i feel like i'm made to be something different. Here are some examples.

1. on certain days, i feel like i should be a teacher of some science subject. Biology would be a given, since that's what i finished. Histology or parasitology, probably, because i loved those two subjects.

2. sometimes i feel like studying mathematics as a career. i don't really know why.

3. being a writer has always been popping up at one time or another. i guess i've loved writing ever since i first learned how to.

4. the constant nagging voice in my head tells me to go into the Ministry as a singer. i know i'm not that good. there are so many people much better than i am, with a wider vocal range and with better sounding vibratos and voice qualities. but i guess i keep telling myself that i can be good enough as a singer if i sing for my One and Only papa God.

i really REALLY want to be a doctor. really really really. but something in my head tells me otherwise sometimes. whatever.

***

life throws me lots of curve balls. i am armed with a pretty good bat. however, stupidity attacks sometimes. you know what happens then.

life.