How tired, you ask.
Tired enough to forget about brushing my teeth. Tired enough to forget about dinner despite the numerous protests my stomach acids and pancreatic enzymes manage to churn out to me. Tired enough to fall asleep in my blouse-and-skirt uniform, bar pin and all. Tired enough to want to scream my head off, as loudly as i can, in hopes that someone from home will come to rescue me. Tired enough to forget to drink water. Tired enough to not take out my contact lenses.
Tired enough to forget to read my Bible at night.
Back in college, I thought med school would be a place of endless epiphanies, jaw-dropping moments, cool and exciting people, and physicians who could teach us so much in just 25 slides. However, my first year alone was testament to how very very long a lecture could become. Never in my life had I imagined a lecture as long as 275 slides. Never in my wildest dreams did i think that the epiphanies would come after the questions had been asked and the wrong answers given (by me, of course). Never in that idealistic-undergraduate mind did it ever occur that med school was not an intellectual haven but, instead, a mind-bending battlefield.
Exam week is always a testament to the limits our little academic brains can touch. Yes, touch, not break, because we find ourselves broken by the limits instead. Numerous products have been tested that would enhance our wakefulness and memories. Different techniques of studying have been tried, used, and sent back to the drawing board. Countless books, transcriptions and notes have been read and thrown up in the air out of sheer exhaustion. And, not surprisingly, so many coffee shops have been discovered and frequented just to escape that universal tempter we know as THE BED.
I have found myself numerous times screaming at myself in my head. HERE YOU GO! HERE'S MED SCHOOL FOR YOU! ARE YOU HAVING A GREAT TIME? IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED?
And, just as frequently as I ask myself those questions, I close my eyes and go back to one of those things med school has made me too tired to do.
I read my Bible.
And I pray and just pour my heart out to my Lord.
Am I still i the right place? Is this where I should be? Or did I just force my way here?
And I imagine God smiling a knowing smile at me, hitting the back of my head gently and then taking me into His arms.
"You know very well, My child, that the things that are happening shall pass soon. This is just a phase, just like the journey of life you're taking as you make your way to Me. For I know the plans I have for You! And these plans are not to harm you. They are to prosper you, and to give you a future and a hope. So don't forget that whenever you feel like giving up, give yourself up to me. Come to Me if you are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
And I find myself smiling back silently.
Yes, God, I give You me.
